A Parody of Fiction
by Rembinalle
Summary: A funny, I hope, little fic that started off about Obernewtyn, and then the plot escaped... and... well, I really don't want to have to accept responsibility for what happened, but I guess I have to... o.O Rated T for coarse language and sexual references
1. Chapter 1  Dameon's Demons

**A Parody of Fiction which proves once and for all that Rem, the author, ought to be locked up in an insanity asylum, pushed to the fringe of society, poked repeatedly with a sharp stick, and have her brain taken away by a group of strange people and squashed with a hammer.**

It goes without saying that Rem is OUT OF HER FREAKING MIND!

* * *

_A/N – _

_This is, basically what it says up there . And yes, I did write that title. I'm Australian; I know how to laugh at myself. Well. This is something I started when I was in a random mood and continued due to popular demand (from one person) and for the sake of my own sick sense of humour… if anyone actually likes this, I'll continue it, but otherwise it's just a once off. Now being a parody, this does basically have references to people, books, movies, etc. Even if you don't get the references, you may enjoy this - but for your convenience I have included a list of all the references at the end of the fanfiction._

_I hope you enjoy, _please_ review – otherwise I won't know whether or not to continue. Constructive criticism and/or abuse welcome, compliments also very well received. Lol. A big thankyou to Steph, who, perhaps feeling a little guilty at the fact that I have to put up with her as my best friend, agreed to be my beta reader. The fact that she contributed very little is beside the point; it's the thought that counts. Also thankyou to her for actually UNDERSTANDING all the stuff I write._

_I hope you like this; or at the very least it doesn't drive you to suicide… May a bird narrowly miss your shoulder with its excrement… until my brain has another fit and spews out more crap, I remain –_

_- __Rembinallë, Someone with a Very Sad Life_

_Ps – A message to Obernewtyn fans – I am not a Rushton hater! I'm actually a Rushton supporter although it may seem the contrary from how I wrote this fanfic :P_

* * *

**1 - Dameon's Demons**

Dameon looked out the window. Well, he faced the window. He could tell that this was the case because at the present time, as well as contemplating the irony of his situation, he was also admiring the beauty of the rays of morning light that danced across his face. There was only one problem.

He couldn't see them.

Presently Dameon felt a familiar feminine presence behind him. He turned to greet his guest with a warm smile. "Hello Elspeth."

The presence moved towards him and said in a distinctly male voice, "I'm not Elspeth, you stupid nong! Are you out of your freaking mind, man?"

Dameon blinked.

After some consideration, he concluded that he might retain the moral higher ground by keeping a dignified silence.

During this time, the other man's brain, which was filled with spider webs and dust from lack of use, tried to figure out what to say. "What makes you so keen to see my _wife_?" the voice asked suspiciously.

That wiped the smile off Dameon's face. "You're not married yet, Rushton." _And you never will be if I have anything to say about it._

"And I don't see how that's any concern of yours."

"Was there a reason you wanted to see me, _old friend_?"

"Actually…"

Unexpectedly, Angina and Miky entered the room – Dameon sensed their empathic presences. Miky began to strum on her gitar. As the rather impromptu tune started, Rushton pulled a black hood over his head and assumed a rather amusing position.

Dameon was finding this particular turn of events quite bemusing. Unbeknownst to the blind Empath, Rushton looked rather like some sort of gorilla, and his pants had fallen down to reveal – could it be? – Red boxers with an ant pattern and the words "I love Elspeth" printed all over them! Yes, in fact, it was very lucky for Rushton that Dameon was blind.

Somewhere, in Apollo Bay on the Great Ocean Road, Isobelle Carmody turned over in her gra- bed.

Miky was still playing on her gitar, and Angina began singing on "Ahhh-hah, ahhh-hah".

Dameon got a real fright when Rushton joined in the fray, singing; "Keep your hands off my girl, keep your hands off my gi-"

He was cut off short by the appearance of said girl.

"What's going on here?" she queried absentmindedly, in a voice that suggested a distant expression on her beautiful face. Well, Dameon was sure it was beautiful – Rushton certainly seemed to think to.

Speaking of Rushton, the man himself hurriedly stood up straight, slightly embarrassed.

Slightly embarrassed turned into mortified when he realised that his aforementioned boxers were currently on show.

As luck would have it, while the confused Guildmistress was thinking, _and this is the man that proposed to me? Dear Lud, I SAID YES?!?!_... A strange looking man with blonde dreadlocks, who happened to be wearing a dress, appeared in front of her. With a shout of "WOOF WOOF!!!" he abruptly disappeared again in a puff of smoke.

"WHAT THE HELL?" A voice thundered. Someone pressed a pause button and the scene stopped. Much to the delight of a crowd of screaming Phan-phans, the mysterious voice turned out to be that of….

…

…RAOUL?!?!

Uh-oh.

Just as the hoard of Phan-phans were getting over their shock and sharpening their spoons, a thin golden lasso was lowered over Raoul's neck. Before the Phan-phans could groan their disappointment… the Phantom, red cloak and all, jumped down next to Raoul, and with a clever pulley, cinched it tight, cackling madly.

This was met by hysterical squeals from the multitude of Phan-phans but as the lasso was pulled tight around a certain pansy-boy's neck, squeals were replaced by a chant of "Pansy-boy shall be punjabbed, pansy-boy shall be punjabbed!" which, despite seriously lacking in the poetic area, quite clearly conveyed a message to our dearest bell-haired fop. His unfortunate face took on a decidedly green colour, which turned to a rather bluish-purple as he began to be strangled.

Unfortunately the murderous Phantom was distracted as a squealing pig ran past him. The pig was shortly followed by an enraged Baldrick who was shouting "It ate my turnip! That bloody pig ate my turnip! And," he stopped abruptly and leaned over to Raoul who was slowly running out of oxygen, confiding, "it was the one shaped exactly" here his voice lowered to a conspirative whisper, "like a _thingy_!" Suddenly distracted, Baldrick ran off with one finger raised triumphantly in the air, claiming, "I have a cunning plan…!"

It must have been Raoul's lucky day because Christine Daaé, Dani Filth and his wife Toni showed up just as Baldrick was leaving. When Toni Filth saw Raoul, it was love at first sight.

Christine started singing "Angel of Music, you deceived me…" but the Phantom wasn't listening because he was watching Toni, who had just ran to Raoul, cut him down, kissed him thoroughly, picked him up, and ran away screaming in delight. Raoul looked like a pickled orang-utan, but she didn't care. Poor girl.

The Phantom raised one eyebrow at almost exactly the same time as Dani Filth did. Then, to a passing albatross' great surprise, a lightbulb appeared above Erik's head. He'd only just realised that Christine was _here_, and Raoul was _somewhere else_, and not likely to be returning soon, either. He proceeded to stride over to her and proclaim, his manly voice resonating throughout the room, "Fuck the storyline, fuck reality, fuck all movie directors, and _especially _FUCK GASTON LEROUX!!! You're coming back to my lair with me, where you'll be my sex slave for the rest of your life!"

Christine had stopped singing as soon as the being who she liked to refer to as "sex in a mask" had moved. She'd found his furious monologue incredibly erotic and wordlessly grasped his hand and ran for the nearest empty warehouse.

Dani Filth, meanwhile, watched his wife disappear with some disinterest, making a half-hearted attempt at disappointment with an extremely unconvincing exclamation of "damn…" He absentmindedly began humming the tune to "Amor E Morte". Dani noticed Christine leave in the other direction with a vague feeling of displeasure. That girl had potential… with died black hair and different make up job she could have been the next female singer in Cradle. The stupid other one sounded like crap anyway. _Thank God for computer edited music_. At this point it occurred to him that the scene unfolding around him was better than a cross between Monty Python and Days of Our Lives, and duly, sat down and began to munch on a bag of low-fat microwave popcorn which he produced from somewhere down his trousers.

By the time he came to this conclusion, however, he realised that everyone else had left…

* * *

_It may be helpful to consider at this point, what this story actually is. I personally have no ruddy idea, and if anyone thinks they know, I would be obliged if they would write down their suggestion __on a piece of paper scented with rose geranium, fold it neatly in half, inscribe "to a cock-sucking monkey" on the front and DO THE RIGHT THING by placing it carefully in the nearest waste disposal unit. _

_I _can_ explain that, this compilation of words depicts a group of phan-phans who, along with Miranda Richardson, will not be mentioned in this story again, but who are for the moment, watching a scene on the TV. On the TV, there are a group of people, being Dani Filth, and a rather confused albatross hovering near the ceiling. In the room there is also a TV, shown upon which is a frozen image of yet another room, in which stand Elspeth, Rushton, Dameon, Miky and Angina._

_I however, have just made the bewildering discovery that the area around me is littlered with the hind legs of donkeys, hence I must return to the box from which I came, and you must return to the story…

* * *

_

Dani Filth stared unblinking at the frozen image on the television screen, pausing only to wistfully peer into his popcorn bag when he realised he'd gorbed down the lot of it in the space of two minutes, which incidentally is the same amount of time that someone administering CPR ought to have completed 5 cycles of 30 compressions and 2 breaths.

Dani failed to break his vigil when the door opened behind him and John Cleese entered. He was talking on his mobile phone and he was shouting in the way that makes fans of British comedy across the world tremble with excitement and mirth. "It's ridiculous! Preposterous! I was in the middle of shooting - … no, no, NO! And you don't even give me enough time to change out of costume – I'm sorry, but this is just not going to happe – you'll pay _how_ much? Well then, why didn't you say so…" as he finished the phone conversation and came further into the room it became apparent that he was wearing a turban fashioned out of a white sheet and clinging to his arm was Frank Woodley, who was concealing a stolen baby beneath the white sheet draped about him in the fashion of an Indian woman.

"Rrrrrrrrrriiiiiiight!" snapped John Cleese. "This has gone _far enough_! FAR ENOUGH I SAY! This ridiculous load of _particularly _smelly effluence must stop _at once_!"

Dani Filth, mildly intrigued, spun around and focused his attention on this new point of interest.

John Cleese continued his rant. He knew who he was talking to, and although he couldn't see them, he knew the type. "You stunted human being! Defiling good literature and screenplay! Exploiting celebrities! Your sort all belong at the bottom of a thirty foot well with a herd of angry llamas! Shame on you! Bloody fanfiction writer!!! Scum of the earth!!! You're a pathetic specimen of the human species! Either write a decent fanfiction or _go home_ because NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! That's IT!" here he paused to kick the wall a few times. "That. Is. It. I TELL YOU! I'm pulling the plug on this atrocious insult to the English language this instance!"

There was an audible sigh about the room… and then, the room itself and all sounds suddenly ceased to exist…

* * *

_A list of references from the first instalment of A Parody of Fiction:_

_Dameon, Rushton, Elspeth, Miky and Angina are characters from The Obernewtyn Chronicles by Isobelle Carmody. The pig is the same pig as the one Rushton was carrying around in Obernewtyn. Fans of the series may or may not know of the significance of the pig (not significance to the story, mind… significance to humour… and sometimes slash fanfic _(shudders)

_The man with blonde dreadlocks wearing a dress is the character Lord Flasheart from the second (and fourth) series of Blackadder, a British comedy starring Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry. Baldrick is also a character from Blackadder. His spiel about turnips is a representation of his obsession with the vegetable. The words "I have a cunning plan…" are a catchphrase of his._

_Raoul, the Phantom (also referred to as Erik), and Christine are from The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux. The words "Angel of Music, you deceived me…" as sung by Christine are quoted from the 2004 movie "The Phantom of the Opera". The phan-phans are fans of Phantom of the Opera, phan-phans being a name they do actually give themselves in real life._

_Dani Filth is the lead singer of a gothic metal band called Cradle of Filth. Toni Filth is his wife. "Amor E Morte" is a song by Cradle of Filth._

_The albatross is irrelevant, as are the references to Monty Python (a British comedy), Days of Our Lives (an soapie which I, thank God, have never had the misfortune to watch), and Miranda Richardson (a brilliant British actress who has starred in Blackadder, and movies such as The Phantom of the Opera and Sleepy Hollow)._

_In the title of this fanfiction, the words "pushed to the fringe of society, poked repeatedly with a sharp stick, and have her brain taken away by a group of strange people and squashed with a hammer" are loosely quoted from an Australian comedy series called "The Adventures of Lano and Woodley". The outfits of John Cleese and Frank Woodley at the end are a reference to what Col and Frank wear briefly in the episode "I Love You Baby Part 1". _

_John Cleese is a well renowned British comedian and actor who has acted in Monty Python, At Last The 1948 Show, Fawlty Towers, and more.

* * *

_


	2. Chapter 2 Segmenting the Orange

Segmenting the Orange

_A/N – Well I decided to keep going... this chapter was inspired in Hospitality class when we were – you guessed it – segmenting oranges. Once again, a list of references will be down the bottom. Disclaimer, yada yada, basically it's not mine, but there are several things that are mine, like a copy of the Stone Key! Yay! Okay, it's not really mine; I borrowed it off Steph and...I've actually given it back now. So yeah, not mine. Oh yeah, big thanks-ness to those of you who reviewed (yes, all two of you!!) rustyspoons and Edoc'sil, you guys made me feel all loved and squee-ish inside :D yeah thanks to Steph as well, mostly for lending me the Stone Key, but also for helping me come up with ideas and saying it was the funniest fanfic she'd ever read (awwwwww...) _

_Anyway, hope you like D_

_-- Rem_

* * *

_After a few bribes in the right places, the author got critics to turn a blind eye, and once she was sure that a return visit from John Cleese was out of the question, she picked up the pieces and tentatively resumed her story._

* * *

Dani Filth was sitting in a room, being bored stupid, and he was 99.9 sure that he certainly wasn't getting paid enough for it. He turned the TV back on, and when he realised it was an ad break he chucked a hissy fit and stormed out, off to make a video clip for "Devil Woman" because the fans wanted one – well, one fan wanted one. (_A/N- cough)_

_Meanwhile, on the TV, the ad break finishes..._

"But Neevie..." Elspeth wailed, "What does that have to do with _oranges_, for Lud's sake?" Her hands were covered in orange juice and cuts from the horrid paring knife, and the combination of the two was, needless to say, rather painful.

"Everything!" snapped Nynaeve, who was trying to pretend she knew what she was doing. She tugged on her braid viciously only to realise with dismay that she had made it all orange-y.

"But I still don't understand how _segmenting oranges _is going to make Rushton love me!!" Elspeth stamped her foot petulantly.

"You'll see..." Nynaeve's hands paused and she stared out the window. "Once Lan had sampled my cooking, he fell head over heels. It was unbe-_smegging_-lievable..."

Elspeth took the opportunity to poke out her tongue rudely while the other woman's back was turned. "Bloody stupid citrus!" she muttered, hopefully quietly enough for Nynaeve not to hear.

Elspeth was so engrossed in separating the segments from the membrane and arranging them prettily on a white china plate that she was unaware that she had a visitor, as was Nynaeve, who was still off in her own little world, most likely involving a certain tall stony-faced man.

Rushton peered over Elspeth's shoulder. He decided that it was time to announce himself.

"WAZZZUUUUUUPPPPPPPP ELLIE-POOS?!" Rushton ended his greeting in a rather confused dance move that looked like it belonged in a ghetto, or at least wished it did.

'Ellie-poos' swore loudly as she cut herself again, the deepest yet, and she turned to glare at Rushton. She attempted to sniff like Nynaeve had taught her, but the effect was slightly marred by her red face and the fact that she was sucking the wound on her palm.

What Elspeth wanted to do more than anything was kiss him stupid then carry him off to a hayloft somewhere, so she followed the only option she saw available to her. She slapped him, hard, and then told him she was sure his presence would be appreciated more elsewhere.

Rushton trudged out of the kitchen, dejected, and sat cross legged on the grass. He lay down and shut his eyes and before long felt a wet nose snuffling at his face. He smiled. "Hullo Elspeth-Piggy! You're not going to be a meany-pants at me, are you gorgeous? No, of course not... yes, I love you too, you cute little pig..."

Elspeth, of course, chose that moment to poke her head out the window to see whether he had gone or not, and when she heard him she burst into tears and ran for the nearest comforting female she could find. Sobbing, she ran straight past Nynaeve and somehow wound up at Nanny Ogg's house.

Nanny Ogg was sitting with Susan, and they were both sipping tea. Susan was in the midst of a heartfelt confidence regarding what she called "a bit of a crush on that good-for-nothing Teatime bloke". When Elspeth arrived Nanny Ogg decided she had heard enough and ushered Susan out the door with the instruction "Why don't you just snog 'im? That's what I'd do! Drop by and let me know how it works out, won't you?" She then welcomed Elspeth with open arms.

* * *

A few hours later, Elspeth stumbled out of Nanny Ogg's house, her head reeling. Her mouth tasted of tea with too much sugar, and she was desperately trying to exorcise the memories of certain images which she suspected Nanny Ogg had sourced from the Karma Sutra or something equally as explicit.

Granny Weatherwax was sitting on a lawn chair nearby, for reasons best known to herself. "I'd make him jealous, if I was you," was her succinct advice. She rose, nodded, and strode past Elspeth and inside the house.

Elspeth's thoughts had begun to collect themselves, and some of the more wayward ones were being assigned punishment, when it occurred to her to wonder when this particular cottage had appeared in Obernewtyn. She didn't think about it for long, however. There were other things to worry about. For example, there was jealousy to provoke.

Elspeth needed to find a man. Preferably a good looking one. She had no idea how easy that was, because she had no idea that she was living in a parallel and fictional universe where the fancies and fantasies of one teenage girl were instant reality. But we won't go into that...

Elspeth returned to the kitchen and noticed with vague interest that Nynaeve had left and been replaced with Bernard and Manny who were swearing and hitting, and being sworn at and hit at, respectively. Manny presented some tomato soup to Bernard. He'd spend hours carefully scooping it into a tower.

"WHERE ARE THE TURRETS?!" demanded Bernard as he smashed the plate to the floor. Manny retreated into a corner and cried.

Elspeth sat in what she thought was a safe vantage point and observed Bernard as he concocted what was called, judging by his profane mutterings, "luxury pie". There was something about the untidy hairstyle and Irish accent that tickled Elspeth's fancy... she began to seriously consider using him...

Elspeth realised that she had been grinning and bouncing on her seat as she imagined the look on Rushton's face. She was trying to evaluate whether or not she had embarrassed herself when _he _walked through the door...

"...And so, I said to the bastard, 'You can shoot all the dirty Herders you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember, it's a sin to kill a Misfit!'" Atticus Finch and Heck Tate walked through the door laughing raucously.

Elspeth immediately forgot all about the hunky spunky bit of Ireland and turned to observe this new guy. He approached her, radiating class and manliness, and introduced himself in a deep voice. "Atticus Finch, ma'am."

Elspeth restrained herself from squealing. This bloke was like Rushton... but older! And classier! And he still had the same broody-ness! It was love.

* * *

A little while later, Atticus sat on a bench in the garden, reading a newspaper.

"Hrm," was what he said.

Elspeth bit back a giggle and lowered her binoculars. He was perfect. And gorgeous. And _broody_! She'd never seen a man so wonderful as him before, with the exception of her Rushton. _Rushton... no! I will not think about Rushton. Must make Rushton jealous. He will be jealous. BUAHAHAHAHAHAH! Jealous...Rushton jealous...jealous Rushton... heh... heh...heheheheh..._

Elspeth felt a sharp mind probe from her favourite fluffball. _Elspeth/Innle crazy. Elspeth/Innle must think about quest, not broody men. Elspeth/Innle must not act insane, hiding behind bushes with binoculars and thinking evil thoughts and _bouncing_! _Maruman said the last word with particular acidity, and stalked off, his crooked tail flicking.

Elspeth got up and brushed the twigs and bits of bush off her dress. She sauntered over to the bench. "Hi, Atticus..." she cooed.

* * *

It wasn't long before Elspeth was sitting beside Atticus, who was animatedly telling her stories about the courts which she didn't wholly understand. She was in the middle of tittering at something she thought she was supposed to find amusing, when Rushton walked past, with his pig on a leash. He was whistling and humming happily, but he faltered when he saw the pair on the bench.

"Hi...Elspeth..." he muttered, looking at his feet. He then turned to Atticus. "You didn't tell me you were coming to visit! I wish you'd call instead of just dumping on me, honestly, Dad!"

Elspeth wasn't quite sure what she'd just heard. "Dad?" she looked from one brooding man to the other, shocked. "DAD!?" Oh, Lud, the mortification. Elspeth couldn't believe she'd been flirting with Rushton's _father _in an attempt to make him jealous. She stood; red cheeked, and made a loud and hurried announcement, "GoodbyeIhavetodomytax!" The words tumbled out of her mouth in a rush and she ran off to hide in her room. By the time Elspeth had reached her room, Atticus and Rushton had forgotten about her and begun a "brooding look" competition.

* * *

Elspeth's "Operation Make My Man Jealous" or "Omm-jay" as she had just decided to call it was showing a distinct lack of progress. This was so disappointing to her that as she sat in her room, dejected, she contemplated giving it up altogether.

Before Elspeth could reach any conclusion in her stormy thoughts, Nanny Ogg popped through the door, carrying a tray with tea, scones, jam and cream. "Oh, dearie, don't look so miserable! I brought you some comfort food! I had an inkling you might need it."

Elspeth and Nanny Ogg enjoyed the tea and scones and shared womanly gossip until way past Elspeth's bedtime. Eventually Nanny declared that she must depart, but first she saw Elspeth to bed, tucked her in and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Nighty-night, dear! And don't forget what I said about Rushton!" she whispered as she closed the door softly behind her. It wasn't long before Elspeth had fallen asleep, determined that she would carry out Nanny's advice with all urgency. In her dreams that night she heard Nanny's voice once more... "_Just tell him to grow balls!" _

She was content.

Almost smug, really.

_

* * *

_

A List of References:

_Dani Filth – once again, he is the vocalist of the black metal band Cradle of Filth, and Devil Woman is one of their songs (actually a Cliff Richards cover)_

_Elspeth, Rushton, and Maruman – all characters from the Obernewtyn Chronicles by Isobelle Carmody. Once again, the pig features as well._

_Nynaeve and Lan – Characters from the Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan (who passed away last year... RIP RJ tear) Nynaeve and Lan end up married, in the series, and Nynaeve does in fact cook for Lan at one point, and needless to say her cooking talent left at least some, if not a lot, to be desired. _

_Atticus Finch and Heck Tate – Characters from To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Of course, the line about shooting Herders but not Misfits is an adaption of the famous line "You can shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember, it's a sin to kill a mockingbird."_

_Bernard and Manny – from Black Books, one of my favourite British comedies – everyone GO WATCH IT NOW!! The whole making "luxury pie" and soup in towers – "where are the turrets?!" and also Elspeth's line "Goodbye I have to do my tax!" is from Black Books._

_Nanny Ogg, Susan, Teatime and Granny Weatherwax – Characters from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series – awesome parody/fantasy books. Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax are witches, and very opposite in personality. Susan is Death's granddaughter and Teatime is an assassin (and if you read the fanfic I read, an incubus... any fans of Hogfather, search "In Dreams". In fact, it's probably in my fav stories list. Go read it! D)_


	3. In Obernewtyn, where the poppies grow

In Obernewtyn, where the poppies grow...

_A/N- I just finished this one off last night at Steph's house. We put our heads together. Literally. Hope you have as much fun reading this as we had writing it! Thanks once more to Edoc'sil for reviewing, and thanks Stephy-poos coz you actually helped me out quite a lot this time. Kept me up until midnight, she did. Eurrejgh. _

_--Rem_

* * *

Obernewtyn. Seconds before the sun peeps over the treetops, birds twitter and all around cocks begin to crow, showing off to the hens, who are unimpressed.

High up, on the top floor of the building, Dameon sits on his windowsill, his long spindly legs dangling towards the ground.

He observes the sun as it creeps over the horizon and shatters in two, making a noise like the smashing of a plate.

"Morning has broken." Says Dameon in the most uninterested voice imaginable, his appearance and mannerisms becoming suspiciously like Neil from The Young Ones.

Suddenly he leaps down off the windowsill, miraculously landing on his feet, unharmed after a fall of four stories. Music swells, and quite shockingly the Empath Guildmaster begins to sing!

"_It's cold outside_

_There's no kind of atmosphere..."_

Here the reader is spared the details of Dameon's performance, and let it suffice to be said it was the Red Dwarf theme song which he acted out with considerable enthusiasm, in particular the line about "drinking fresh mango juice".

Dameon ends this uncharacteristic song and dance routine with wild gyrations on his air guitar, jumps in the air and lands in the splits. The effect of this is rather marred by the sound of his trews ripping.

Dameon becomes his former subdued self in an instant. "Oh! Heavy, heavy, man! What am I gonna do about these trews now? Heavy, heavy, heavy..."

* * *

Rushton was sitting at the firstmeal table, doing what he did best. Brooding. It was a little trick he'd learnt off the hens in the farmyard, and although he didn't carry out the process in the exact manner acceptable to the chicken species, he'd taken to the idea like a duck to water. _I wonder if _ducks _brood, as well..._ Rushton wondered inwardly.

Rushton stared into his porridge bowl broodingly, before spooning more into his mouth. He resumed his brooding gaze, and when that failed to make the porridge any sweeter or creamier he decided to direct his brooding stare elsewhere.

Rushton looked up and glanced (broodingly) at the table on the other side of the dining hall, where he saw Dardelan and Bruna giggling like a pack of hyenas watching Benny Hill and doing Lud knew what. Unimpressed, he paused to wonder what they were doing at Obernewtyn in the first place before shifting his brooding gaze in the other direction.

Finally, Rushton's brooding eyes met with something they liked. Elspeth was entering the hall. She glanced at him covertly before hurrying into a corner, warming herself in front of the hearth. She appeared to be muttering to herself.

Rushton smirked, before quickly resuming his brooding look. He wondered idly how long it would take her to come and talk to him. Surely not too long.

He looked at his bowl of porridge.

Broodingly.

* * *

Elspeth sneaked a look at Rushton over her shoulder. He was still eating. The image of the Master of Obernewtyn digging into his nosh was oft likened to how an irritable grizzly might rip into a young clumsy girl it found on the outskirts of Forks – but in the young Seeker's eyes he was Winnie the Pooh spooning firstmeal out of his honey pot. Her heart thumping, she looked back at the fire. She wasn't sure if she could bring herself to interrupt such an endearing situation. Nanny's words from the night before rang in her ears. "Grow balls," she whispered, "_Grow balls_. Grow _balls_. GROW BALLS! _Grow _balls. Grow BALLS!" she repeated the words over, trying out different emphasises.

_Right_, she thought to herself grimly.

Elspeth flexed her hands, cracked her knuckles, turned and strode purposefully towards her betrothed. When she saw the brooding expression on his face she nearly turned away again. Ye Gods, but that look was enough the melt a woman. She looked into his handsome, craggy face, into dark green eyes that had on occasion caressed her as tenderly as his hands had done, and felt herself go weak at the knees. She had to pause and steady herself for a moment, leaning on a table, but when she realised what Bruna and Dardelan were doing mere inches from her hand her cheeks flushed and she jumped out of the way. She had no choice but to continue towards Rushton as before, despite the fluttering of her stomach.

* * *

When Rushton next glanced up from his firstmeal it took all his self control not to crow with delight. Elspeth was approaching even sooner than he had expected.

As she came to stand in front of him, Rushton glanced up at her, retaining the brooding look. "Good morning, Elspeth," he greeted her casually in his velvety voice, with its grainy hint of highland accent.

Elspeth seemed to suffer somewhat of an internal struggle. Her lips writhed. "Rushton?" she said querulously.

"Yes?"

"...GROW BALLS!"

After having made this loud and slightly whiney announcement, Elspeth turned and ran from the hall, Napoleon Dynamite style, swiping a porridge bowl from a young coercer who was unlucky enough to be standing between her and the door.

Rushton was growing tired of his brooding expression, and at length decided to drop it in favour of raising one eyebrow slowly. His brow creased as he briefly wondered what had brought on this outburst from Elspeth. He pondered a few moments before shrugging and returning unconcernedly to his porridge.

* * *

It was suddenly all too clear to Dameon, who had been sitting nearby, unnoticed, the whole time. He was suddenly at ease with life, the universe, and everything.

_I have balls! All I need to do is prove it to Elspeth... and then she'll love me! How simple! She'll LOVE MEEEEEEE!!_

* * *

Gilbert was sitting down the other end of the table from Dardelan and Bruna, who had long since abandoned their giggling for a much more serious form of entertainment, and in order to distract himself from their unspeakable acts he had been eavesdropping on Rushton and Elspeth's conversation. A look of surprise and awe came over his face as he turned to watch her depart. He had never thought anything could be so easy.

_She doesn't love Rushton, obviously. He does need to grow balls. I have balls... and as soon as Elspeth realises that, she will be mine, oh yes, she will be mine..._

* * *

Far away in a gypsy camp, Swallow raised one finger in excitement. "I have balls!" he announced to the world loudly, and got none too few weird looks from everyone within hearing. Unconcerned, Swallow happy-danced his was across the camp, convinced once and for all that Elspeth would be his at last and more than a little proud of the fact.

* * *

The two dumb soldier guys from Pirates of the Caribbean were sitting at a rustic picnic bench in the Obernewtyn courtyard, in the midst of a Deep And Meaningful conversation. That is, Dumb was enjoying a self-righteous monologue, and Dumber was smiling and nodding in agreement.

"It's about self respect."

"Mm."

"We were in that bloody pirate film, y'know, and people don' even remember our bloody names!"

"I know."

"Y'know what they remember us as. 'Those two dumb soldier guys from Pirates of the Caribbean', that's what the bloody well remember us as! It's absurdly degrading! What have we done with our lives?"

The pair sat there in momentary reflection until the opinionated one thought of something else to say.

"Growing bloody poppies! That's what we're doing! Growing poppies in Obernewtyn."

"That we are."

"Y'know that guy, the one who said 'Religion is the opiate of the masses'?"

"...No?"

"He was a bloody idiot, that bloke. Total smeghead. Completely wrong."

"He was?"

"Religion's not the opiate of the bloody masses. _Opium_'s the opiate of the masses, innit? It's bleeding obvious to any idiot with 'alf a brain."

"It ain't obvious to me..."

"Man, if you had 'alf a brain, it'd get lonely."

* * *

Elspeth, completely oblivious of the speculative men she had left in her wake, burst into the yard. She was unable to restrain a little scream. How was she supposed to talk to the bloody man if she nearly fainted from excitement whenever he was around? It was useless.

Nevertheless, she was more than a little high after her encounter with Rushton.

So high, in fact, that Elspeth took the opportunity to continue the tradition of this fanfic which seemed to entail 100 more random musical outbursts than usual at Obernewtyn.

Clambering to the top of a stone wall, Elspeth opened her lungs and sung her heart out. "Oh moon, grow bright, and make this endless day, endless night, tonight!" She sang, and as she hit the high C with a screech she overbalanced and fell from the wall upon which she stood. _I always did think of myself as more of an alto, come to think of it, _was Elspeth's consideration as she fell.

Luckily for Elspeth, she was caught by a passing vampire.

...

How uncommonly lucky!

The vampire happened to be Emmett Cullen, accompanied by Bella Swan. Bella felt an immediate comradeship with Elspeth, as does any clutz to another. They became friends immediately, first 

exchanging stories of their clumsiness, and then inevitably they moved onto the men in their life. Elspeth sat with Bella on a grassy knoll, earnestly pouring her heart out and describing her woes concerning Rushton. Meanwhile, Emmett ran to and fro in the yard, exclaiming with delight every time he discovered a new object of interest, now and then returning to the girls to gleefully show off his treasures, only to be shunned from their conversation. He retreated, rejected, behind a tree.

When Elspeth had finished, Bella nodded decisively. "I'll fix him!"she cried triumphantly. She darted off immediately, and before Elspeth could blink, returned with an auburn haired vampire of most scrumptious appearance. As Bella dragged him before her, Elspeth noticed that he was glaring with liquid topaz eyes, and she felt a shiver run down her spine. Now here was a man who rivalled Rushton's looks.

Bella was more than a little excited with her plan. "Now, it's perfectly simple. In fact, nothing could be more ridiculously easy. I can't believe no one thought of it before, it's amazing, astounding, I mean, this idea is just the height of tip-top-kaboom! What can I say-"

"Bella. Love. Calm down."

_HE CAN TALK AS WELL!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOHMIFRICKINGOSH!! _Elspeth tried to regulate her breathing.

Bella stared at Edward for a while.

His eyes widened. "Bella! Bella, breathe!"

Bella took a gasping breath then blushed while Edward rolled his eyes. "So, here's what we do. Elspeth, Edward, you sit here together on this bench, have a chat-a-lat-lat, whatever... Emmett and I will hop-a-dop-doodle-along and check out this place – nice place you got here by the way, Els – anywhoo, when Rushton the Complete Hottie sees you sitting with the Even More Hottie here, he'll fall head over heels with jealousy and pop the question pronto." Bella grinned widely, self satisfied as a carpet python after ingesting a medium sized rhinoceros.

"Bella, we're already engaged."

"Whatev, sister."

"Bella, are you all right?" Edward took her shoulders, holding her like a porcelain doll.

"Got the flu. S'okay, I took some medicine!"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "How _much _medicine?"

Bella shrugged and looked at Emmett.

Emmett watched Edward carefully.

Edward thought for a second. He then exploded. "EMMETT!!" he growled.

Emmett gulped and ran, Edward hot in pursuit. "EMMETT! DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME YOU GOT BELLA HIGH ON FLU MEDICINE! I'M GONNA BLOODY KILL YOU!!"

"I'm already dead!" Emmett squeaked as he ran around the corner. Bella giggled hysterically and ran after him.

It was a full ten minuted before Edward stalked back to Elspeth, scowling viciously. He sat down next to her, muttering angrily about eternal life not being an excuse for wild drug experimentation, especially on fragile humans.

Edward suddenly seemed to remember why he was here. "So, Elspeth..." He began wearily.

Elspeth fancied she could hear the crunch of feet on gravel. Wishful thinking or not, there was no time to lose. Rushton would soon be passing on his morning stroll around his "vast property". She stared into Edwards...liquid topaz eyes... with smouldering intensity. "Put your arm around me." She growled in a no-nonsense manner.

Edward obeyed meekly, although Elspeth suspected there was a hint of a crooked smile on his...perfect...cold...hard...beautiful, flawless face. Realising she'd been staring stupidly at Edward, she composed her features and resumed her breathing. Edward's attention however, was far away.

"I hear someone whistling. Coming towards us." He looked over Elspeth's shoulder.

It was a few seconds before Elspeth could hear it too. "I know that whistle!" Elspeth exclaimed, raising one finger in the air triumphantly. She had to act quickly. Flashing Edward a meaningful look she threw her head back and laughed uproariously. It was a pity about Elspeth's laugh. Matthew had once told her it sounded like a cow with a peg on its nose and a pole up its bum in the path of an oncoming steam train. As Elspeth glanced over her shoulder quickly she saw her hunky bit of hinterland meat...(oooh, saucy)... just rounding the corner. The cheerful whistling ceased abruptly in a sharp intake of breath.

_

* * *

_

References:

_Dameon, Rushton, Elspeth, Dardelan, Bruna, Swallow, and Gilbert are from Obernewtyn, as are the quotes about highland accent, green eyes etc._

_Neil and the quote "morning is broken" are from the Young Ones, a British comedy._

_Red Dwarf theme song...is the Red Dwarf theme song P _

_Benny Hill is a British comedian_

_Winnie the Pooh is Winnie the Pooh, and if you don't know who Winnie the Pooh is you seriously need to brush up on your knowledge of children's shows starring bears with honey addictions._

_Nanny Ogg, as mentioned in the previous chapter, is a witch from Discworld by Terry Pratchett._

_Napoleon dynamite is from the movie Napoleon Dynamite_

_The two dumb soldier guys are from Pirates of the Caribbean– Mulroy and Murtogh as I'm informed their names are._

_Tonight is a song from West Side Story, a musical very loosely based on Romeo and Juliet._

_Emmett, Bella and Edward are from Twilight (like you didn't know), as is the reference to an irritable grizzly._

_And also, I really must mention the fanfic called Notes with Alice, Bella and the Cullens, by Lanna-misssunshine. I sort of stole the whole Emmett-getting-Bella-high-on-flu-medicine from it. Twilight fans should really read that fic, it's great. And I steal only with love. This is a fanfic, after all P_


End file.
